Day 2: Dispatches from the AWP Trenches

Tote Bags. Notebooks. Sweater Dresses. Blouses. Beards. Tights. Flannel Shirts. Levis. Fancy Eyewear. Blunt Cut Bangs. Slow Internet. Bad Coffee. Identity Mess. Hang Over. Name Badges. Nacho Bloat. Cash Only. Standing In Line. Satchels. Lots of Satchels.

QUICK AWP UPDATE!

Do not Google Images AWP at the airport! 

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Day One: AWP Game Day

Say it and spray it with some helpful products that make waking up at 5 a.m. for your flight to AWP a complete breeze.

Smashbox Photo Finish Primer Water $32
Is it water or primer? It’s primer. Don’t drink this stuff even if you are about to scream a rainbow at the airport. Spray a fine mist over bare skin before applying foundation. It’s able to make foundation glide on over the skin and keep it from smudging all over your flight pillow.

L’Oreal Paris Infallible Makeup Extender Setting Spray $17
Fine lines like to congregate on the face during the night, especially if you have somewhere special to go the next day. 86 them off your face! Blast this setting spray to keep foundation from setting up shop inside them. Go home fine lines! You’re drunk!

Oribe Airbrush Root Touch-Up Spray $29
“It doesn’t matter what they say. In the jealous games people play. Our roots are concealed.” Cover unsightly roots with tinted power that comes in red, blond or brown. Pro Tip: This will run faster than me sprinting for the first pumpkin latte of the season, so wear a hat if it’s raining.

Formula X for Sephora Drying Spray $14
There’s only a handful of things that you can actually accomplish in one minute: application of lipstick, 10 sit ups, shoplifting, taxes, etc. This fast drying polish goes on smooth without too many air bubbles and drier than money in a Portland strip club.

Degree Motion Sense Dry Spray Antiperspirant $5
Don’t leave the plane like you’ve been living under a bridge. Spray where needed, which could be anywhere depending on that day.

Stay hydrated on the plane, so you can enjoy Bloody Marys at the airport. ‘Nuff said.enhanced-7635-1401741255-18

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AWP Beauty Week 2015

Will These Writers Bring It? 

What better way to checkout the latest beauty trends rockin’ this great smudge pot of opportunity than attending Association of Writers & Writing Programs Conference? That’s a mouthful! This week I will be interviewing the who’s who in the lit (literally) world and find out what they’re wearing this season for beauty. I’ll attend reading things and other stuff and probably find out some really cool spots to hang out in Minneapolis. Let’s see who’s got the beauty pot at the end of this reading rainbow.

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Face Off

A One-Week Day Challenge with Nerium AD

When JoBeth Martin contacted me to try out Nerium AD Day and Night Cream, I had a couple reservations. First, I’m currently using a kickass night cream, Korres Wild Rose + Vitamin C Advanced Brightening Sleeping Facial. Second, I’ve never heard of the product before. So, I researched.

NeriumAD contains NEA-8 extract, which is derived for a plant called Nerium oleander. If you Google “Nerium oleander” you will find out from Wikipedia that it is an evergreen shrub that is poisonous. Is this what makes the “Nerium Difference?” A poisonous plant?

I read some more articles that both praised Nerium as a miracle cream and demonized the cream for having a toxic extract that supposedly can’t be absorbed through the skin. I have to say that the whole thing sounds pretty weird to me. Most of the other ingredients listed on their Day and Night cream are pretty typical.

After reading more articles and blogs while anxiously eating Starbusts, I started to get concerned about trying it on my face. In fact, I even found a TMZ story claiming that Ray Liotta filed a lawsuit against Nerium International for supposedly touting “before and after” pics of him using the product. The whole story around the product just gets weirder. To be fair to Nerium, most of the anti-Nerium rants where on janky Independent media websites and blogs. Also, the only established news source to report on the brand is a St. Augustine News site that reported on the company’s proposed one million dollar donation to the Big Brother/Big Sisters charity.

All this being said, am I really willing to slather on some toxic for fewer wrinkles?

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CELS D’ENFER MAXI LASH

A weapon of seduction…

If you are like me and you love weapons (joking), you’ll be tempted to try this self-described “charming trump card and irresistible weapon of seduction” mascara. While the copywriters for Guerlain like to make strange sexy militaristic claims, they do back up their mascara formula with some science. This mascara contains three polymers. Generally, tubing mascara uses polymer to form tiny little “tubes” around each lash like a little icicle. This gives each lash, 360-degree coverage. Tubing mascara will also last even after a good cry. It might be the best choice during tax season. In this case, this mascara has one polymer to coat, the second to soften and the third to set.

 

How does it do? It works well as long as you use it with…another mascara. The Cils d’Enfer contains oils that will definitely condition lashes. In fact, my eyes stopped itching and my lashes grew after a month of use. However, I never achieved thick lashes. They were long and pretty, but not thick. Maybe, it’s me but I want it all. To achieve thick lashes, I backed up this mascara with Make Up For Ever’s Smoky Extravagant so now I have the best of both worlds: itch-free soft lashes that are also thick and smoky. Though the Cels d’Enfer does not “sculpt curves to perfection,” it is a great weapon for dried out lashes.

Breaking Bad⎯When Your Makeup is Beyond Redemption

Your makeup may be breaking bad, but not like in a psychotic antihero seeking revenge in New Mexico kind of a way. Makeup is a concoction of chemicals that have expiration dates, especially if they have natural ingredients or are water based. In the spirit of the last episode of Breaking Bad, I’ve cooked up a list that will help you know when the show has ended on your makeup.

 

Mascara

Lifespan: 2 to 3 months

Ways to kill your makeup: Never wet your wand with saliva. If your peepers turn red and glassy looking like Badger and Skinny Pete’s, it’s time to change your mascara. 

How do you know it has gone bad?: When it clumps or leaves you with a severe eye infection

 

Foundation

Lifespan: 6 to 12 months

Ways to kill your makeup: Keep your water-based foundation in a moist environment. Bacteria love moisture almost as much as the cartel like selling meth, so the more humid the environment the better the chances are that your foundation will spoil and become beyond redemption…

How do you know it has gone bad?: Any change of color is a good sign that it’s time to leave it behind like a bad habit.

 

Concealer

Lifespan: 2 years for powder and 1 year for liquid

Ways to kill your makeup: Leave the cap off

How do you know it has gone bad?: If your concealer starts to separate like Jesse and Walter, it’s time to throw it out. You’ll know when you see the colors shift.

 

Face Powder

Lifespan: The experts say two years, but I would throw mine out in a year.

Ways to kill your makeup: Use it when you have a major breakout, so you can transfer bacteria to the powder. Not even Saul could help you if you taint your makeup with bacteria.

How do you know it has gone bad?: When there is a dull grey film on the surface, throw it out.

 

Eye Shadow

Lifespan: 3 months!!!!

Ways to kill your makeup:  Use dirty or wet fingers to apply the shadow on your eyes.

How do you know it has gone bad? Color changes or weird smells. If your makeup starts smelling like a burning tire, you could have other problems.

 

Eyeliner

Lifespan: 3 months

Ways to kill your makeup:  Let other people use your eyeliner or use it when your eyes are irritated.

How do you know its gone bad?: Look for a white residue or check to see if it has a smell.  Actually, this tip could be applied to a couple of other things but if you don’t want to see you makeup break bad then make sure you always keep it in a cool dry place and away from dangerous situations such as moist bathrooms, infected eyes and meth labs in New Mexico. 

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Check Yo Self–When Breakdancing Causes Breakouts

What do the Windmill, the Head Slide, the Buddha Spin, the Deadman Float and the Worm have in common? They can all make you breakout. Dust and dirt settle on moist skin.  When pores become blocked, bacteria starts to grow in numbers like Bboys heading to The Sugarhill Gang show. Your body fights back by sending white blood cells to these pores. The result in inflammation. Friction is another contributor to acne. Tight fitting shirts emblazed with unicorns, hot pink bras and 80’s spandex shorts provoke acne (there goes my wardrobe). So how can you look fly the next time you want to do the Running Man?

Things Fall Apart

Don’t let things fall apart! Wash that face with salicylic acid when you get home. Salicylic acid softens keratin (a skin protein) and helps remove dead skin cells. Ditching dead skin is bueno. It allows you skin to breathe; therefore, helps you kill acne-causing bacteria. Products such as Philosophy’s Clear Days Ahead Oil-Free Cleanser contain salicylic acid and get bonus points for having a really positive name. If you skin dries out from a cleanser with salicylic acid, reduce your weekly applications. Pretty simple. The only thing that should look like a reptile is your Snake move.

Ridin’ Dirty

Before drifting off to slumberland, wash yo self! Do not come home and make yourself a ham sandwich then fall asleep all dirty (btw-ham sandwich has no sexual connotations). Break out Neutrogena’s Body Clear. You can find it almost anywhere that carries ham and bread. The trick to helping out your skin is using a dry towel. Moist towels won’t dry you off properly and they can become bacteria farms if you don’t wash them often. Changing out your sheets and pillowcases frequently will also reduce your body’s exposure to bacteria.

All Eyez On Me

Everyone wants to look good when they go out. However, you will be inviting bacteria back home with you if you wear super tight clothing to the club. Jeans, t-shirts, tank tops—do what you gotta do to look good but wear clothes that will breathe. A good test is to ask yourself if your outfit would inspire your mother to tell you should you should dress more like a lady. If the answer is yes, you’re good to go.  Go change into something looser if the answer is no. Prevent acne from popping up under your bra by washing it after you go out. If your bra is too tight, you need to find one that fits. Have a professional measure your bra size the next time you go shopping. You never know. You could wind up going from a C to a D. Awesome bras.

Raising Hell

Everyone’s gotta go out from time to time and raise some hell, but don’t take your skin with you. Actually, please bring your skin with you but resurrect your pores by taking care of yo self.

Hey! I’m still kicking it in Allure Magazine’s Beauty Blogger of the Year Challenge. Send me some props by voting for me here: http://blogger-awards.allure.com/submission/girl-on-the-street-challenge/

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Hedda Lettuce-My Interview with the Six-Time Drag Queen of the Year Award Winner

Hedda Lettuce's Fabulous Self

Hedda Lettuce’s Fabulous Self

As a six-time Drag Queen of the Year Award winner by HX Magazine, Hedda Lettuce is one of the most acclaimed comedians and singers in the biz. Her satirical videos with original music are bar none some of the funniest you’ll ever see (and no she doesn’t lip sync.) You may have seen her on Sex and the City, Project Runway, The Dave Chapelle Show, Oprah, Ugly Betty, The Tyra Banks Show, the MTV Movie Awards and Too Wong Foo (I could go on). If you aren’t following her hilarious blog, check it out at heddalettuce.com. I was able to sit down with Hedda (at my computer writing an email) to ask her some pertinent questions about beauty.

What is one beauty tip that you think women can benefit from? Don’t paint your lips too far outside of the line otherwise you look like a clown (or, you’ve been intimate with a clown).

What is a total beauty or fashion faux pas that you want to change? Only a woman working in a cornfield should wear flats. Otherwise ladies, suck it up!

What do you absolutely need to have when hung over? A shot of whisky and a man.

How do you repair the damage from drinking? By drinking some more.

What is a must have from the local drugstore? A pregnancy test.

What is an annoying trend right now in fashion? That damn two toned hair! You know, one color on the top and another on the bottom. It just makes a girl look poor. Pick a color you silly bitches!

Favorite fashion icon. – a mash up of Charlize Theron and Cher.

Thank you Hedda for being a beacon of fashion for those in a storm of ugliness. Visit Hedda Lettuce’s website heddalettuce.com for more beauty, fashion and dating tips.

Hey! If you like my blog, vote for me for Allure’s Beauty Blogger of the Year Award here: http://blogger-awards.allure.com/submission/fake-eyelashes-dont-need-to-be-a-drag/

Fan Mail from My Makeup Brushes

Dear Faith,

Thanks for using Bobbi Brown’s Kohl Cake Liner. I absolutely LOVE how it goes on along your upper and lower eyelids to create smoky eyes. It’s also freaking awesome how you sometimes apply a small amount of water to my bristles before using the liner. The look is totes dramatic.

Love, Your Smudge Brush

Dear Smudgy,

Thank you for the letter. I promise to be extra careful to avoid pulling your bristles when I wash you with anti-bacterial soap and let you air dry. I will also promise not to let my cat into the bathroom again. That last incident must have been traumatic for you.

Hello,

Why do you use me for small jobs like defining the outer lid of your eyes and not the crease?

Feeling Misunderstood, Small Blending Brush

Dear Small Blending Brush,

You are perfect for creating an illusion of depth by defining the outer v of my eyes. Though I do love how your big brother, Medium Blending Brush, is able to use his densely packed fibers to blend eye shadow across my lid, you cannot be replaced.

To whom this may concern,

Why do we have to get baths every week?

Hating My Bath Time, Foundation Brush

Dear Foundation Brush,

Your bristles are like a free two bedroom apartment in the middle of San Francisco for bacteria. In fact, the damp conditions of the bathroom make their living environment even more pleasant. It would be one thing if the bacteria remained on your bristles. Unfortunately, bacteria can spread to the foundation and skin. Yuck! Every makeup brush needs to be cleaned at least ONCE a week. I try not to get any water on your ferrule (the part that holds the brush to the fibers) or your handle to prevent damaging you. Sorry it’s a drag, but it’s for our best interests.

Hey Lady,

What the heck? I haven’t seen you in months. Why haven’t you come around? Do you think you’re too good for me?

Mad and Angry, Spooly Brush

Dear Spooly,

Of course, I don’t think I’m too good to use you for my eyelashes and brows. To tell you the truth, I’ve been seeing another brush. Benefit’s Speed Gel is just really convenient for me to use. This quickset eyebrow gel is a great tint for my brows and holds them in place all day. Sorry things had to work out like this. I promise to think of you fondly sometimes.

Hey! Do you like this blog? Check out my bio on Allure’s Beauty Blogger of the Year Challenge. Vote for me, so that I may dominate the beauty world or at least get the title of Beauty Blogger of the Year.

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