Monthly Archives: April 2013

Hedda Lettuce-My Interview with the Six-Time Drag Queen of the Year Award Winner

Hedda Lettuce's Fabulous Self

Hedda Lettuce’s Fabulous Self

As a six-time Drag Queen of the Year Award winner by HX Magazine, Hedda Lettuce is one of the most acclaimed comedians and singers in the biz. Her satirical videos with original music are bar none some of the funniest you’ll ever see (and no she doesn’t lip sync.) You may have seen her on Sex and the City, Project Runway, The Dave Chapelle Show, Oprah, Ugly Betty, The Tyra Banks Show, the MTV Movie Awards and Too Wong Foo (I could go on). If you aren’t following her hilarious blog, check it out at heddalettuce.com. I was able to sit down with Hedda (at my computer writing an email) to ask her some pertinent questions about beauty.

What is one beauty tip that you think women can benefit from? Don’t paint your lips too far outside of the line otherwise you look like a clown (or, you’ve been intimate with a clown).

What is a total beauty or fashion faux pas that you want to change? Only a woman working in a cornfield should wear flats. Otherwise ladies, suck it up!

What do you absolutely need to have when hung over? A shot of whisky and a man.

How do you repair the damage from drinking? By drinking some more.

What is a must have from the local drugstore? A pregnancy test.

What is an annoying trend right now in fashion? That damn two toned hair! You know, one color on the top and another on the bottom. It just makes a girl look poor. Pick a color you silly bitches!

Favorite fashion icon. – a mash up of Charlize Theron and Cher.

Thank you Hedda for being a beacon of fashion for those in a storm of ugliness. Visit Hedda Lettuce’s website heddalettuce.com for more beauty, fashion and dating tips.

Hey! If you like my blog, vote for me for Allure’s Beauty Blogger of the Year Award here: http://blogger-awards.allure.com/submission/fake-eyelashes-dont-need-to-be-a-drag/

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Fan Mail from My Makeup Brushes

Dear Faith,

Thanks for using Bobbi Brown’s Kohl Cake Liner. I absolutely LOVE how it goes on along your upper and lower eyelids to create smoky eyes. It’s also freaking awesome how you sometimes apply a small amount of water to my bristles before using the liner. The look is totes dramatic.

Love, Your Smudge Brush

Dear Smudgy,

Thank you for the letter. I promise to be extra careful to avoid pulling your bristles when I wash you with anti-bacterial soap and let you air dry. I will also promise not to let my cat into the bathroom again. That last incident must have been traumatic for you.

Hello,

Why do you use me for small jobs like defining the outer lid of your eyes and not the crease?

Feeling Misunderstood, Small Blending Brush

Dear Small Blending Brush,

You are perfect for creating an illusion of depth by defining the outer v of my eyes. Though I do love how your big brother, Medium Blending Brush, is able to use his densely packed fibers to blend eye shadow across my lid, you cannot be replaced.

To whom this may concern,

Why do we have to get baths every week?

Hating My Bath Time, Foundation Brush

Dear Foundation Brush,

Your bristles are like a free two bedroom apartment in the middle of San Francisco for bacteria. In fact, the damp conditions of the bathroom make their living environment even more pleasant. It would be one thing if the bacteria remained on your bristles. Unfortunately, bacteria can spread to the foundation and skin. Yuck! Every makeup brush needs to be cleaned at least ONCE a week. I try not to get any water on your ferrule (the part that holds the brush to the fibers) or your handle to prevent damaging you. Sorry it’s a drag, but it’s for our best interests.

Hey Lady,

What the heck? I haven’t seen you in months. Why haven’t you come around? Do you think you’re too good for me?

Mad and Angry, Spooly Brush

Dear Spooly,

Of course, I don’t think I’m too good to use you for my eyelashes and brows. To tell you the truth, I’ve been seeing another brush. Benefit’s Speed Gel is just really convenient for me to use. This quickset eyebrow gel is a great tint for my brows and holds them in place all day. Sorry things had to work out like this. I promise to think of you fondly sometimes.

Hey! Do you like this blog? Check out my bio on Allure’s Beauty Blogger of the Year Challenge. Vote for me, so that I may dominate the beauty world or at least get the title of Beauty Blogger of the Year.

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What Haiku Can Teach Us About Eyeliner

The short night

on the hairy caterpillar

beads of dew. – Yosa Buson

If you’ve had a short night (passing out on the couch after work) or long night (gallivanting around town), make sure that you wash and DRY your face properly before shellacking another coat of eyeliner. Those of you who are using an eyeliner at your waterline (inner eye rim), make one clean pass. Don’t go back and forth like it’s a coloring book. You can also use Buxom Insider Eyeliner, which is specially formulated (contains antioxidants and vitamins) and has a velvety tip to prevent eye irritation.

Just simply alive,
Both of us, I
And the poppy. – Kobayashi Issa

I had my doubts about MAC’s Eye Kohl Hot Poppy until I tried it. Its red tint gave some depth to my hazel eyes. Blue eyes look really remarkable with red eyeliner. While I know it’s dramatic, you can line the top with any red eyeliner for a very chic look. Notice, I suggested using it on the top. If you go nuts with red eyeliner on the bottom of your eye, you’re going to look like the queen of the zombie ball.

Thus spring begins: old
stupidities repeated,
new errs invented – Kobayashi Issa

Every spring-cleaning, I make the mistake of throwing out my trusty eyeliners and starting fresh with trendier ones. Every spring, I realize I’ve burnt bridges and go back to buying my favorite brands. If you get the bug to clean out your makeup, make sure you save the old eyeliners before you’ve fallen in love with a new brand. You may even need a couple of days of practice with the new eyeliner to completely switch over. Don’t rush yourself. A bare-chested snail doesn’t hurry over a lotus leaf (Haiku reference).

All my friends
viewing the moon –
an ugly bunch – Matsu Basho

This is actually a pretty mean haiku, and I was surprised those exist. However, use a good all day eyeliner or you could wind up a member of the ugly bunch. I suggest Stila Waterproof Eyeliner. It is simply impenetrable. This eyeliner creates a dark barrier around the eye that keeps it smudge proof all day long. In fact, you’ll have to cry over a lost love while zooming across the Bay in a rocket boat before you’ll do any damage to your makeup. Haiku has a lot to teach us about makeup and life. If you are able to apply your eyeliner with the same type of focus as a caterpillar climbing a dewy leaf under a full moon than you’ve got a chance for fabulous eyes.

Vote for me for Allure’s Beauty Blogger of the Year Challenge at this link!

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Slinging Some Beauty Advice for Allure

Allure Magazine has decided to hitch their tiny publication’s wagon to my big time star (just joking). Today, they announced my involvement in their Beauty Blogger of the Year Challenge. Yay! I’m really excited, because Allure is a standup magazine. They were one of the first publications to report the heath risks of breast implants and expose drug abuse in the modeling industry. Allure is also one of the few magazines that you can put down and not vow to lose ten pounds.

I Will Wrestle a Tiger for the Challenge

Ok, so that’s not true. In the next five weeks, I’ll be involved in some challenges that compromise my ability to look presentable to my adoring fans (I’m talking about my cats). Each week a new challenge will be featured on the Allure website: http://blogger-awards.allure.com/contestant/faith-mcgee/  The blogger with the least amount of votes gets kicked off the beauty island and has all their makeup brushes stripped from them.

Come and Get It

While I can’t give you any details about the challenges, I can tell you to buckle your seatbelts for Michael Jackson impersonators, beauty tips from a fabulous drag queen and some non-celebrity performances! Feel free to tell everyone you’ve ever met about it and to vote for me. Actually, vote for the best beauty blogger in the challenge. I’d love to go to New York and win the title of “Best Beauty Blogger,” but the best blogger should be the one who wins and not the one with the most “fans.” Check out my blog frequently, because I will be serving piping hot beauty advice.

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Dolly Parton is the MacGuyver of the Beauty World

“It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.” – Dolly Parton

Other than being the best country singer and songwriter in the biz, Dolly Parton is a total MacGuyver when it comes to incorporating poisonous everyday items into her beauty routine as documented in her memoir, Dream More. Her ability to improvise while stuck in the sticks with a matchbook, some berries and honeysuckle is inspiration/dangerous.

Matchstick Eyeliner

In one episode, MacGuyver uses a machine gun with a cord, a stick and some matches to fire a firearm remotely. Dolly Parton, on the other hand, creates a sexy smoky eyes look with the help of a match. The basic premise of this trick involves lighting the match and dunking it in water. When it dries, you can use the end to spread phosphorus and wood splinters underneath you eye. How does it compare with Laura Mercer’s Caviar Eye Liner and Eye Liner Brush? Not so great. If you don’t mind using a multivalent nonmetal chemical element of the nitrogen group right next to your eyeball it works great!

Red Pokeberries Lipstick

Indigenous Americans used red pokeberries to treat itching, certain types of cancers, rheumatism and syphilis. Dolly Parton used red pokeberry juice as a lipstick when growing up in Tennessee. Up front, I’ll mention that these berries are poisonous to mammals if they are not cooked properly.  Generally, the berries are boiled down and used for pies or to poison husbands (just kidding). I want to reiterate that this plant can kill you, so leave the danger to Dolly Parton.

Honeysuckle Perfume

Forget about buying an expensive bottle of honeysuckle perfume if you have the plant in the backyard or your neighbor’s backyard. Making the perfume is pretty easy. Simply, snip off a couple of stems with your fingernail scissors and place them in a bowl full of water. Let the bowl sit overnight and then boil down so you have roughly 1 tsp. left. Add 3 drops of glycerine to the mixture and store in your refrigerator next to your Champaign and condiment collection. The perfume lasts three months.

By following Dolly Parton’s tips, it will cost you almost nothing to look cheap. Use these beauty tricks at your own risk. Some beauty secrets should remain secret.

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A Shout Out

Going to Oakland’s Stript Wax Bar is like a night out at a regular bar that has cauldrons of wax, exam tables and strange lighting. Ok, it’s not like going to a bar at all. However, they do have some kick ass waxing experts that make the trip less harrowing than other salons. Before I go into how awesome they are, I’d like to reveal my own personal horror stories.

The Night of the Living Dead

My former esthetician was a waxing ninja—wax on wax off. Between cracking jokes and ripping waxing strips at a lightening speed, I barely had time to scream in agony before she was done. The honeymoon ended when I came to see her on a day that she looked deathly pale. Ten minutes into my Brazilian waxing appointment, she excused herself to dry heave into a garbage can in the hallway. If I hadn’t known that she was sick, I would have taken offense. I frantically pondered how I was going to remove the wax and myself from the situation.

The waxing room was somewhere in the dark depths of the salon’s matrix. Could I find my way out? My cell phone rang. I know enough about horror movies to know that you should never stop to answer your phone. I saw the doorknob rattle and braced myself. She staggered into the room with eyes glazed and mouth open.

As soon as she tried to assure me that she was feeling better, she sang a rainbow into the trashcan. I took that as my chance to make a break for it. I learned a major life lesson that day that I wished that I had just learned from a horror movie: avoid people with pale complexions who sway and moan.

Horror Show

Like the opening to many horror stories, I bought a Groupon one day. My Groupon was for the waxing services from a particularly shady place in San Francisco that was a stone’s throw from my house.  From my bedroom window, I witnessed their raucous parties. Raucous may be a fairly subjective description, but in my book it includes guys with shaved heads wearing tutus and chucking popcorn at passing cars.

Though my gut told me no, my wallet told my gut to shut up, and I booked appointment for a bikini wax. Everything about the experience was normal until it was time for me to get dressed. Like a disastrous candle-making project, wax covered my legs and nether regions (Quick question. Is everything called the nether regions in the Netherlands?). When I asked my esthetician if it was normal that half the wax pot was left on my body, she assured me that it would simply “fall off.” I can assure you that the wax did not “fall off” as I was trudging up the San Francisco hills wearing tight jeans.

Tales from the Stript

The Stript Wax Bar doesn’t play around. You won’t walk out with wax stuck to your leg or the stomach flu. While their wax services are not completely painless, they provide you with numbing spray and Champaign. Nothing about the experience there is nightmarish and with a couple glasses of the bubbly, you’ll find yourself almost looking forward to getting waxed. Their waxistas are remarkably professional, unzombie like and a total delight to work with.

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